I once watched a documentary where cranky critic, Brian Sewell was ranting about “The Da Vinci Code” by Dan Brown. I agreed with nearly everything he said until the interviewer asked if he had actually read the book. Brian scoffed “Oh dear god, no!” Uh oh!
So when discussing the Stephanie Meyer Twilight series with one of my oldest friends J last weekend she reminded me that in fact, my pinot grigio fueled assertions that the books are “pants” needed some reading to back them up.
The Twilight series has sold over one hundred million copies, been translated into over thirty languages and is widely recognised as a publishing phenomenon. In its wake a flurry of vampire novels have hit the shelves aimed at the teenage market. The story is simple: teenage girl meets hundred year old vampire residing in the body of a seventeen year old, hot boy. They fall madly in love. Much touching and sighing happens and then her life is threatened by a crazed hunter vampire. He saves her, they live happily ever after - or rather they go to the prom which is the American teen version of “happy ever after” of course.
Now, give me a good vampire and I’m happy. My high school exam coursework was an examination of the evolution of the vampire in fiction using Stoker’s “Dracula” and Rice’s “Interview with the Vampire”. You could say that I am a bit of a fan, so Twilight should be bearable, right?
I had watched the film of the book and it had left me strangely cold. I was bored, but I wasn’t offended. I was therefore, ill-prepared for how the book would make me feel. I think this is best expressed with my Twitter feed from this week. Not wanting to drive my poor husband to distraction I took to the internet to express my feelings on this book. What ensues is a series of 140 character rants interspersed with some sadly, ignored attempts at intervention by my good friend Thriftygal of Body of a Geek Goddess
GoldCaro
So, one of my rules of life is that you cannot have a valid opinion of a book until you have read it. So I have agreed to read Twilight...
GoldCaro
Spent my lunch hour reading the first three chapters of Twilight and feel I have uncovered a new disorder for the modern world #twilightrage
GoldCaro
In the chapter I read last night Bella had a think about Edward, cooked some fish and wrote an essay on Macbeth #Twilightrage
Thriftygal
@GoldCaro put it away! It just gets worse! It’s so badly written!
GoldCaro
@Thriftygal I’ve started so I have to finish.
GoldCaro
Chapter 11. Bella and Edward eat lunch, watch videos in Biology class and discuss her favourite gemstone. WTF? #Twilightrage
Thriftygal
@GoldCaro seriously, save yourself!
GoldCaro
@Thriftygal Gaaargh
Thriftygal
@GoldCaro it will not make you happy. Abandon!
GoldCaro
@Thriftygal I must finish it! It’s my Everest... or something more shit. It’s like my mountain of crap and I must conquer it!
Thriftygal
@GoldCaro at least drink while you’re reading, might dull the pain of the lumpen prose
GoldCaro
@Thriftygal good idea!
GoldCaro
Chapter 13. Edward tells Bella he wants to eat her and she gets drunk on his vampire Old Spice. And they say romance is dead.
Thriftygal
@GoldCaro Give up! It only gets worse!
GoldCaro
@Thriftygal Now he’s admitted to watching her whilst she sleeps! Doesn’t every girl dream of being stalked by a sparkly, hundred year old?
Thriftygal
@GoldCaro It’s my fantasy!
GoldCaro
Chapter 14. Edward lights up the kitchen with his beauty (!) and admits he is a stalker. Bella heats up a lasagne and is dazzled a lot.
GoldCaro
For the love of Dracula WHEN WILL SOMETHING HAPPEN in this book? So far Bella has whined, Edward has chuckled, lots of anxious touching...
GoldCaro
And lest I forget there was that lasagne that Bella heated up... Gargh! #Twilightrage
GoldCaro
Action? Not really. Bella meets the vampire parents in their MTV cribs style pad. They are like, so cool #Twilightrage
GoldCaro
Can’t help but fantasise about the possibility that this is all an elaborate ruse to eat Bella. Thanks #supernatural series 6 #Twilightrage
GoldCaro
Chapter 17 highlight Bella’s dad calls Edward “Edwin”.
GoldCaro
Chapter 18 and something is happening! Scary vampire guy wants to eat Bella - but then everybody does so why are we surprised? #Twlightrage
GoldCaro
Scary vampire James has “light brown hair and regular features both nondescript”. I mean WTF? Give him SOMETHING Stephanie! #Twlightrage
GoldCaro
Just realised that in my fury I have failed to spell Twilight correctly twice this morning. Damn you Meyer!
GoldCaro
Chapt 19. Okay stuff is happening but I am finding it really difficult to care. Throw her to the crazy vampire guy!
GoldCaro
And what kind of mental conversation happened where Bella's mum revealed the last,soul-destroying words she said to her dad??
#twilightrage
GoldCaro
Mummy Bella "So darling, if you ever need to get your father to just shut the hell up you use these magic words..." #twilightrage
GoldCaro
Bella "Thanks mum, that will come in handy if I am ever being pursued by a non-descript, blood-crazed vampire & need to get away in a hurry"
GoldCaro
"He'll know that we'll know that he's listening. He'll never believe I'm actually going where I say I'm going" actual line from #Twilightrage
GoldCaro
Losing the will to live with Chapter 20. This is utter guff. #Twilightrage
GoldCaro
have no idea what chapter we're on now. Bella was lured/ saved and Meyer chickened out of writing an action scene #Twilightrage
GoldCaro
And as Bella and Edward's relationship reaches new levels of passive-aggressive - the end is in sight! #Twilightrage
GoldCaro
After what seemed like another 400 pages of hyperventilation, scowling and the most god-awful dialogue I have ever encountered.. it is over
Thriftygal
@GoldCaro you mean you’re not reading the whole series?
GoldCaro
@Thriftygal Not a chance.
Yes, Twilight is badly written (NOTHING happens for nearly three quarters of the book!) and has some of the most turgid dialogue I have ever encountered. Bella is an unlovable whinger with a penchant for sado-masochism and Edward is a bullying and astonishingly immature (for a hundred year old) vampire with a twisted sense of romance. The rest of the characters are so two dimensional I definitely expected some of them to become token vamp-victions (but as I said, nothing happened). The only source of real tension in the plot was a vampire villain who is not once but twice called average and non-descript by Meyer… fascinating stuff.
If anyone out there is considering reading this book “just to see what all the fuss is about” - DON’T. As Thriftygal pointed out, “it will not make you happy”. I suggest instead that you read this amazing collection of blogs Mark Reads Twilight
which is not only one of the funniest things I have ever found online but also, having discovered it around chapter thirteen became the only way of staying sane this week.
Finally, a quick apology to my dear friend J (who has known me long enough to know that it would come to this) for this sarcastic and ranty blog post. I couldn’t help myself. But I know she’s had a good week and it’s her birthday so I hope she will forgive me. J, I came so close to buying you a Twilight birthday card...
I will never look at lasagna in the same way LOL
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