As a feminist... a little rant on the Daily Mail's Liz Jones

Something odd was trending on Twitter yesterday. Justin Bieber fans added to the frenzy, perplexed that their idol was not the "top tweet" by asking "Who is Liz Jones?" Liz Jones, as we grown-ups know, is a writer and the cause of the furore was this piece of "journalism"

Warning - high risk of spluttering and swearing when read

Now the Femail section of the Daily Mail is not something I would  usually choose to read. Whenever I catch a glimpse of it over the shoulder of a fellow commuter I am immediately seized by panic. For the newspaper with the biggest female readership in the UK,  its  messages are terrifying. Your ovarian reserves are running out. You've left motherhood too late. You can't have a career and children. Your husband is about to leave you for a younger model. Your sex life isn't as good as everyone elses. Your favourite brand of hair dye will make your face fall off. Your children are being stalked online by unstoppable fiends. And of course everything, absolutely everything in our wonderful, modern, Western world is slowly pouring cancer into your body. It's enough to make anyone reach for a glass of wine (which will either make you live longer or give you cancer too depending on what day of the week it is).

So, Liz's latest offering was about "sperm stealers". Yep, apparently when a woman hits thirty she becomes so baby-crazed that she will consider any method no matter how deceptive or downright stupid to get herself fertilised. 

"A 2001 survey revealed that 42 per cent of women would lie about using contraception in order to get pregnant in spite of their partners’ wishes"

Really? Who the hell did they survey? Nobody asked me!  Liz's source is suspiciously light on information. 

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Liz didn't always want children. Oh no. Dirty, smelly creatures who would have stilted her magnificent career (the Pulitzer is in the post) and ruined her figure. Now brace youself, It took all my will power not to hurl my office chair through my computer screen when I read this...

"As a feminist, I looked down on mumsy types..."

Gaaargh! As a feminist? Really? What sort of half-arsed version of feminism has she signed up to if she feels the need to look down on any other woman let alone women who have dared to reproduce? Bloody hell.

Moving on, Liz gives us an example from her own crazy days as a thirty something as proof of this unspoken urge to reproduce at any cost. Trevor was an unambitious, low earning and seemingly paranoid young man living with his parents. Score! Liz invited him to move in and apparently fed him Marks and Spencer ready meals (which if she ever read the Mail would know is NOT the way to "keep your man happy") and this, she says was reason enough to lay a claim of ownership to Trevor's product. For Trevor didn't want kids. And perhaps he was brighter than Liz gives him credit for,  because he insisted on using a condom. But our wily Liz has a plan! Oh yes, she waits until Trevor is asleep and sneaks off to the bathroom with the discarded prophylactic and takes what is her's.  He owes her after all those chicken tikka for twos, after all.  

Now, aside from the general "EWWWW!" factor of this - clearly Liz needs some lessons in the birds and the bees.

"As it turned out, my attempts to get pregnant by Trevor failed"

No? Really? But it was such a great plan!

For starters sperm survives for a very short time outside the human body. Aside from that the makers of condoms generally want their product to work so tend to add spermicide to make sure the job is done. Basically Liz was onto a losing streak from the start. 

It also begs the question - how desperate do you have to be? Having a child is one of the most difficult things we have to face in our lives. It's hard enough not to screw up our own lives without the responsibility of a tiny creature who relies on you for everything. Liz hasn't exactly done a great PR job for Trevor, and whilst we all talk disparagingly about exes, I think it's fair to say that he wasn't what she regarded as a "catch". Why on earth select this man for procreation? If she was really that desperate couldn't she have used some of her journalistic wealth to purchase some good stock from a sperm bank?

Liz then goes onto the crux of her article,  which is a stark warning to men. Watch out lads, women are out to get your sperm and they will stop at nothing.

"So let me offer a warning to men wishing to avoid any chance of unwanted fatherhood: if a woman disappears to the loo immediately after sex, I suggest you find out exactly what she is up to...I do believe that any man who moves in with a woman in her late 30s or early 40s should take it as read that she will want to use them to procreate, by fair means or foul, no matter how much she protests otherwise.

If there are any men out there even contemplating getting close to a woman in her late 30s or early 40s, I suggest you tread very carefully. "

As if women didn't have enough to contend with in this crazy world without men thinking this kind of crap. And to have another woman confirm it. In the newspaper?! In a world where young girls are made ill by the need to be as thin as the computer-enhanced models on magazines, where rappers sing about bitches whilst being stroked by a gaggle of scantily clad and dead-eyed dancers, where there are parts of the world where women are less than second class citizens and regularly deal with sexual and physical abuse - there is a great need for Feminism. And Feminism has little or nothing to do with Liz Jones' philosophy.  

But we live in a society of free speech and free expression. Perhaps Liz really believes that she needs to warn the men of this world about crazy doxies like herself? Either way, if people keep writing this kind of crap it just gives the rest of us a chance to prove how wrong it really is.

Keep the faith, sisters!